Slanted Door Sucks

When I use the word "sucks" to describe something, it is usually delivered with my arms folded over my chest and in a pouty tone of voice. There is no more perfect way to describe my last visit to Slanted Door. I've been there several times before and, while decent, I've never really understood all the hoopla. This visit transformed my confusion to disgust. Slanted Door missed the Big Three: ambiance, service, and food.

I'll start from the beginning. Two coworkers and I walked in around 1pm on Thanksgiving Eve to find the place completely packed. No surprise here. Okay, so it wasn't completely packed: the cheap, cafeteria style tables behind the bar were completely empty. Sitting in a chair that looked less comfortable than my high school gym's offering was not appealing - and apparently I wasn't the only one as there was a long line of patrons holding out for the main dining room. Yes, I reek of snootiness, but at an establishment with the reputation and prices of Slanted Door, I have no shame admitting my expectations are simply set higher. One of my coworkers also mentioned the furniture, completely independent of my observation. To add insult to injury, the carpet looked dirty and frayed. Huh?

Our presence clearly irritated our bartender/server. No eye contact. A smile? Dream on! Maybe it was our collared shirts or "please's" and "thank you's" that turned her off. But I definitely got interrupted by her index finger in the middle of an order so she could help someone else. The last time I was treated that way was at the DMV.

Two strikes, but the Slanted Door team still had one more at bat. You can see where this is going...

We shared four dishes. The first - crispy imperial rolls - was the only dish without a glaring problem. They were... egg rolls. Nothing too spectacular beyond that. I guess one is supposed to roll all the ingredients together but I found the fried crispiness got lost in the mess of the other ingredients. Next.

The clams actually weren't a disaster, either, but there was just something missing. If you ask me, clams are a lot of work for little return. At least in most restaurants you get a toasted piece of bread to soak up the broth. Not the case here. The sparse bits of pork belly were thick and chewy and but not too flavorful. The clams were like any other clam I've had before (but twice as expensive).

The next two dishes is where things went seriously south. The flat iron steak was fine in itself but the sauce was salty to the point where it was completely inedible. I was chugging water the rest of the afternoon because of the few teaspoons I had. Remove the sauce, and you're left with a... plain steak. Remove the sauce and there's nothing differentiating Slanted Door's steak from one I could get anywhere else.

Slanted Door's main attraction, the cellophane noodles with dungeness crab meat, were painfully dry. I wanted my clam juice back so I could dump it on the noodles (but our clams were long gone as the servers were in some inexplicable hurry). The crab meat must have been the equivalent of one crab leg.

I like dining out because it makes me feel happy. I walked away from lunch in a grumpy mood. I felt robbed.

Hanging with the old folk at Brazenhead

I respect my elders and, after eating at Brazenhead last weekend, now know exactly where to find them. Brazen Head doesn't have a reputation for being particularly hip, but I was still surprised to find myself surrounded by gray hair and AARP members on both sides. I nearly tripped over a walker on my way in (not kidding). The bar area is adorned with old photos and newspaper clippings, and the fella next to me even claimed that one of the yellowed newspaper pictures was of him in his political heyday. Truth be told, I was there at 5:30 on a Sunday afternoon (and this is one of the few establishments open late).

When the food, ambiance, and service is as good as it is at Brazen Head, I don't really care who's sitting next to me. As my friend Jac pointed out, we felt like we walked into an episode of Cheers: The bartender is super friendly and accommodating (and you get the feeling he's been there for a few decades). The decor - bookshelves, hung newspaper clippings, etc - make you feel right at home. The food is comforting too.

Jac had the burger and the one bite I had was quite favorable. Thick meat and excellent bun (although we did scrape off the pool of mayo on the bun). There's nothing game-changing about it, but I'd happily order one again the future. My crab cakes were heavy on the crab (a rarity) and light on the fried part. The aioli dipping sauce was the perfect dip and our server quickly brought a second helping when I wiped out the first helping (seriously, do they think that little tablespoon is going to cut it for two big cakes??!). The free garlic bread was the perfect touch to tie me over from my rigorous day of ... nothing.

Lastly, as any follower of this blog knows, I can't turn down bread pudding when it's on the menu. Brazenhead's version is quite good, in spite of its chocolate-less-ness. It comes out piping hot and the vanilla ice cream melts into all nooks and crannies, resulting in a moist delight. The firm consistency isn't usually my preference, but like the chocolate issue, this version taught me to be more open-minded.

One caveat: there is no deep fryer on premise. That's right: no fries to go with that burger. So for all you out there who order a side salad instead - this is your place! In my two visits, I'd give the food a B+ and the ambiance an A.

On a Mission (Chinese Food)

My parents apparently had a better offer for Friday lunch, so I rounded up a few food-minded coworkers to try one of SF's latest It restaurants, Mission Chinese Food. Recently profiled in the New York Times and hailed by the SF Chronicle, the chef has taken his four-star restaurant skills and opened a "dive" Chinese spot. It should come as no surprise that chef Danny Bowien's focus is on organic, top notch ingredients.

After I passed around the menu to my four coworkers for their choices, I ordered the five dishes I wanted ("gee, I have NO idea what happened to your boring chicken order!!!" Suckers.). We/I ordered five dishes total, which was more than enough for four males and a female with a male's appetite. We capitalized on their free delivery policy and had the goods dropped to our office.

The consensus was that the Broccoli Beef Cheek and the Sizzling Lamb Cumin (both $13 each) were the return-worthy dishes. In each, the meat falls apart by the touch of a plastic fork. And in all the dishes, the main attraction is accompanied by unsuspecting ingredients (the beef had huge chunks of oysters while our "Thrice cooked Bacon" had thick chunks of tofu skin and rice cakes).

Mission Chinese Food allows you to get adventurous. I ordered the Red Braised Pig Ear Terrine and I swear, the only reason people won't try it is because of the word "ear" (but will happily dive into a cheek or belly...). I ordered the ears because of the transitive property I learned in junior high: it comes from a pig, and a pig is good, so the ears must be good. I envisioned crispy and salty; I got chilled and slimy. The ears had the texture and consistency of ahi grade tuna and lacked the animal's trademark saltiness. I wouldn't order it again but glad I tried it.

The dish I thought I'd enjoy most - thrice cooked bacon - was good but the bacon was so chewy I almost couldn't swallow it. The bacon tasted more like ham to me, which, if I wanted ham - I would have ordered ham. Like the ears, not a miss, but just not what I was expecting. Lastly, the Mongolian long beans (our "healthy" choice) were very, very spicy - and more of a vehicle for grease and garlic than anything else.

Mission Chinese Food is a conundrum. On the one hand, it is in every way like stereotypical Chinese food: cheap, large portioned, greasy, free delivery, and has you running to the bathroom and reaching for the Gas-X for hours. But there were those few bites of meat - namely, the beef and lamb - that I know I wouldn't find anywhere else. This, and the ingenuity of combinations hinted at something more high-class, which I suppose is the influence of the chef's fine dining background. This leads to me a more philosophical issue: should any aspect of Chinese food resemble fine dining? Nah. There is a time and a place for that - and Chinese Food isn't one of them.

Two Days. Four Burgers.

The last few weeks have been marked by an unusually high level of pizza consumption and I think my precious baby, the burger, started to feel left out (there, there ... mommy is here). Regardless of the excuse I conjure up for myself for this, I did indeed order four burgers between noon on Friday and Saturday night around 10pm. The feedback runs the gamut from "I want my money back" to "I have to come back as soon as possible" (a follow up visit at Gamine has already occurred).




Friday, 11/4, 12pm: My parents and I ventured beyond our normal Financial District boundaries to Bluestem Brasserie on Yerba Buena lane at Market & 4th. The restaurant is new and early reviews have been mixed. I wasn't any more encouraged when I walked in at noon to find the vast space completely empty. The menu had many tempting items (mushroom tartine, burger, pulled pork sando) and I ended up going with the Lamb Burger. It was excellent. Actually, it was excellent with a small caveat: if I had this before my trip to Greece, I would have been totally blown away; but alas, Greek lamb has totally ruined me. Bluestem's lamb is juicy and flavorful, but it doesn't have the special spice factor that the Greeks exposed me to. That being said, the light touch of goat cheese, sauteed peppers, and the bun were all top notch.

The fries joined the esteemed ranks of Spruce and Fog City Diner. Thick and crispy on the outside, hot and creamy on the inside: the perfect fry dimension. Service was polite and perfectly paced; noise level pleasant. This place is a solid (and unexpected) A.



Friday, 11/4 6pm: Still coming down from my Bluestem high, I headed over to Gamine in the Marina for dinner. Gamine (French for a mischievous young woman) is a small, charming French bistro that you might miss if not looking for it. When one walks in and meets the French host, you feel as though you've left San Francisco and entered a Parisian cafe. The atmosphere couldn't be any more different than at lunch, and the burger is even more impressive. It's in the running for Best Burger of the Year.

I am typically weary of the non-traditional hamburger bun (don't try to re-invent the wheel), but Gamine's chewy ciabatta roll is light enough so it doesn't push the meat out the back side. The beef is thick, spiced superbly, and cooked to a perfect rare. My toppings (bacon and brie cheese) complimented the wonderful beef patty without obscuring it. There are many moving parts to a burger and Gamine nailed each and every one. I revisited the following week with a big group and confirmed this place is no fluke.



Saturday, 6pm: La Folie is very much a special occasion spot, but I had always been curious to check out their more casual lounge. Be warned, the folks over at La Folie have a liberal interpretation of "casual" as three small sliders are $18 and a bowl of popcorn is $6. Portions are small, prices are high. Perhaps not surprisingly, the $18 sliders were the worst of the weekend. The meat was so tasteless I asked myself if it was a Gardenburger. The patty was cold. The bun has a crossaint-like look, but it's no treat. I never jumped on the slider bandwagon and La Folie's take did nothing to inspire me. Sadly, I've downgraded the main dining room



Saturday 10pm: Yes, at the point, another burger was totally unnecessary, but Nopa is on my 2011 To Do List and as Jac warned me, I'm running out of time. Nopa's rendition isn't shockingly bad like La Folie's, but there wasn't one thing about it that ingrained itself to my memory. Were there toppings? Probably. Maybe? Was the meat cooked well? Couldn't tell ya. It was a pretty standard, "nice restaurant" burger but I fail to see why its earned a reputation as one of the best in SF. That is to be found at Gamine and Don Pistos.

Now, can I get a freaking salad?

"Ristobar" - (no catchy title comes to mind)

The criteria for Wednesday night: low key and somewhere neither of us had been. So after each nominating five places, exchanging lists, narrowing the candidates, and finally reaching an agreement (standard operating procedure when two well-researched foodies are involved), Brooke and I found ourselves at Ristobar in the Marina. As the title suggests, nothing stands out about this place but it in no way deserves a lashing.

The space itself is decidedly un-Marina. The vast interior reminds me of high-end places like Quince, Kokkari, Danko, and One Market. Unfortunately for Ristobar, the similarities - specifically the Michelin stars, ha! - end there. The dark brown and mahogany color scheme create a regal feel (and optimal lighting). The bar spans and curves the entire length of the restaurant; it has to be one of the longest bars I've seen in the city. Reservationless, Brooke and I had no problem finding two open spots at the bar.

We started with the burrata salad. I can't quite pinpoint what it was, but there was something slightly "off" about the taste. It almost had a pastey, chemical-like after taste. The hard, gummy texture was too firm for my liking (it's got to be slightly spreadable). I didn't hate it, but sitting within eye-shot of the best burrata I've ever had (at A16 across the street) compounded its shortcomings.

The "Valencia" Pizza (ricotta, goat cheese, asiago, pear, watercress) was again good, but I've had better. The crust is paper thin. The toppings read like a dream, but in reality, didn't have much punch to them. But at $11 for 8 generous pieces, I can't complain too much.

I have been to countless places where the FREE bread either saves the night or emerges as the most memorable piece of the meal. Ristobar was no exception here with its soft, chewy onion foccaccia bread. Baked in house, it was a no brainer to polish the bread and brown bag the pizza for later. With such an expansive bar and great wine selection, I think next time I'll enjoy a beverage and some delicious free bread.